Tony Hawk Ride is an amazing game. Literally. I am amazed this game got made. I am amazed anyone would buy it. I am amazed that it would be met by anything other than howls of derisive laughter. This is probably the worst idea in videogaming since some company tried to sell fans to blow air at your face when you go fast in a flight simulator (I am not making that up).

Now keep in mind that I like skateboarding games, so perhaps this game isn't aimed at me. Perhaps it's aimed at people who don't know how much easier it is to control a virtual skater using things like button presses and analog sticks. People who don't mind having to brutally tense their thighs to skate in a straight line. People who want to actually have to hold a manual to hold a manual. People willing to bend down and really put their backs into it to do a grab. Dogs.

But I have some ideas for games that are better than shoehorning a sub-par skating game into a control gimmick designed to sell a $100 peripheral. If Activision promises not to keep trying to foist this absurd concept onto unsuspecting videogamers, they can have these ideas for free. And they're all based on Activision franchises, to boot!

• Call of Duty: Ancient Warfare: Spartan Archer


• Coach Whistle Hero


• Kurt Cobain Sings Paramore's Greatest Hits


• Wolverine vs. The Pope


• Spider-Man IV: Maximum Emo


• Tony Hawk Wait in the Returns Line