I've been told there are good iPhone games out there. But I think what people mean when they tell me this is there are lots of iPhone games out there, so surely some of them are good. I'm not convinced. I recently tried four highly recommended iPhone games - well, three highly recommended iPhone games and one highly hyped iPhone game - and came away more convinced than ever that people who proclaim the iPhone a viable gaming platform have been drinking some sort of Kool-Aid served at the Genius Bar.

After the jump are four reasons iPhone games are terrible.

1) Call of Duty: World at War: Zombies
So this is how shooters play on an iPhone? Really? I didn't expect great graphics, and I wasn't disappointed. But I did expect some viable means of aiming. The Nintendo DS's touchscreen manages shooters pretty well. But for the life of me, I can't accomplish anything in this adaptation of the Nazi zombie level from Call of Duty: World at War. It's like watching someone who's never played a shooter try to play a shooter. My thumb rolling and tapping simply don't cut it. I've even tried putting the iPhone on the table and using my index fingers. No dice. Instead, I can barely kill three or four zombies before my brains are served up as the main course.

2) Judgment Day War
I loved this game when it's called Eufloria and played on the PC. It's elegant and sleek and abstract and haunting. But Judgment Dar War is none of those things. The entire game consists of pushing reinforcements around with my finger. It's not like combat so much as it's like pushing numbers into little piles. With my finger in the way, I mostly can't see what's going on or how many numbers I'm pushing. Besides, I've played piddly little games like this in browser windows, where they belong.

3) Battle for Wesnoth
Since this is a well-established PC game, what could go wrong? Pretty much everything. It's got far too many finicky menus to be manageable. Trying to play this on the iPhone just highlights what a clumsy mess it is trying to input fine commands with a finger pressed against a screen. I tried using the stylus from my DS, but it wouldn't read the input. Maybe once I've got more practice with the keyboard, I'll know better how to roll my fingers just right to hit the screen exactly where I'm supposed to. And maybe the developers of this game will tidy up the slow response times and the cluttered game map. Maybe it won't lock up on me once it's been patched. Or maybe I'll just stick to playing games on platforms for which they were originally designed.

4) UniWar
This is UniWar? An Advance Wars clone? Of the games I tried, I disliked this one the least. But after hearing about this thing for so long, I expected something beyond a simple Advance Wars homage. I imagine being able to play games with people online is a selling point, but I'd much rather play something other than a muddy Advance Wars clone.

I'll freely admit that maybe I've got it all wrong. Maybe I'm trying the wrong games. Maybe there are some iPhone games out there that will convince me it's a viable gaming platform. But after trying these four, I feel like I should apologize to my DS and PSP for ever doubting them. I hope they'll take me back.