A piece of cake in Fat Princess has 150 calories. Every 300 calories you feed the princess will advance her weight one stage, making it harder for the attackers to lift her when they try to carry her away. Cake is only a temporary solution, but since princesses lose only 2 calories per second, a little cake does a long way.

Well not anymore. The latest patch for Fat Princess makes weight loss dramatically easier, especially for princesses in advanced stages of rotundity! A moderately overweight princess loses 4 calories per second. A bona fide fat princess loses 8 calories per second. And a truly gloriously fat cow of a princess who's going to bog down her rescuers as if they'd tried to invade a country in the Middle East based on jury-rigged intel now burns calories at the amazing rate of 12 calories per second! You know what this means, right? Put down the sword, bow, or magical staff and bring some cake back to the castle!

I'm happy to also report the patch has worked wonders in terms of allowing me to actually, you know, play the game like I was supposed to be able to when it was released a week ago. I've had considerably fewer problems connecting to games. However, it still fails without explanation sometimes, and when the host quits, it's always a crap shoot whether I'll be able to connect to a new host. Fortunately, Fat Princess is much more friendly than most games when it comes to jumping into a game in progress.

By the way, if you're on the same team as me, please be acquainted with some of the tidbits in this brief strategy guide put together by the developers.