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Ubisoft's legendary E3 2009 press conference will go down in history
I'm honored to be a part of E3 history. I'd have never thought that anyone would displace Sony's infamous 2006 press conference, where they announced the price of the Playstation 3 to a surprised gasp from the audience. That conference also spawned various internet memes like "Riiiiidge Racer", "hitting weak points for massive damage", and "real time weapon switching". But a challenger comes! Ubisoft's 2009 E3 mostly content-free snoozefest didn't just lower the bar. It buried it deep and then zoned a landfill over it.
Things got off to a rocky start with various French businessmen droning on about confluence and convergence and online services called U Play, U Share, U Win, U Help, and U Shop (my response: "No U"). Then James Cameron came out - yes, James Cameron! - and spoke for nearly fours hours about some sort of fantasy RPG campaign he runs on Friday nights. Actually, it turns out it was all just the backstory to Avatar, his upcoming 3D cartoon which features characters like CG pipeline, a space marine, a "smokin' hot action character", ten-foot-tall blue giants, viperwolves, and the military/industrial complex. Apparently Ubisoft is doing a game based on Avatar. At least, I hope they are, because otherwise, Cameron totally crashed their press conference to pimp his movie.
Then came an unconvincing Red Steel 2 demo, in which the lead designer waved around a Sensor Motion Plus Wiimote to make lots of slashing happen onscreen so that the bad guys eventually fell down (I'm more convinced than ever a good swordfighting game on the Wii is impossible). Then another Shaun White snowboarding game called World Stage. Then an awesome awkward technical gaffe stranded the host of Talk Soup and Pele - yes, Pele! -on stage. Pele had to fill time by talking in Portuguese about how much he cares about the children of the world. Eventually the technical problems were ironed out and we were treated to a trailer for Academy of Champions Football (i.e. Soccer), in which Harry Potter-esque kids in a Hogwarts-esque academy play a Quidditch-esque game of football (i.e. soccer).
Then came the same Splinter Cell: Conviction trailer and demo that everyone had seen earlier in the day at Microsoft's press conference, followed by the terrible Ruse trailer we've already seen and laughed at a few months ago. The trailer features a pair of male models who wouldn't know an RTS from an RPG. They're playing Ruse, a World War II real time strategy game, on a giant iPhone table that will not ship with the game, much less be invented in any meaningful way any time soon.
Then came an interminable presentation about the Imagine brand's new Tween 2.0 line-up in which young girls can raise virtual hamsters and design jewelry that they can then send off for. A new fitness gamed called Your Shape will take a picture of you and then gauge how fat you are to customize a workout program in which you can win gold trophies in categories like Leg Modification. True story.
There was a very brief respite from awfulness during a Rabbids Go Home presentation. The game seems like Katamari Damacy with a customizable rabbid who lives inside your Wiimote. You can abuse him in horrible ways and then send him out into the game, humiliated and misshapen, to gather stuff, bonk dogs, and rip people's clothes off. True story!
Finally, the whole twelve-hour affair wrapped up with a look at a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles game that plays like Super Smash Brothers, no look whatsoever at No More Heroes 2: Desperate Struggle, and a look at a cinematic from Assassin's Creed 2 that's just a set up for a humorless instance of that scene in Indiana Jones when Indy sighs and shoots the swordfighter with his gun rather than taking him on hand-to-hand.
And throughout the entire evening, everyone mispronounced the company's name as YOO-bi-soft.
By Brad Grenz at 12:37 AM ON 06/02/09
That was a truly epic train wreck of a press conference. I can't believe they just let James Cameron go on and on and on and on and then not show a single frame of either the game or the movie. He's become a less charming, beardless George Lucas.
By Tom Chick at 1:54 AM ON 06/02/09
George Lucas is charming?
But, yeah, I fully expect Avatar will be on par with Delgo.
By TH4T6UY at 2:00 AM ON 06/02/09
Hehe, or how about they let Joel McHale ramble on. I like Joel on The Soup, but, well, he's kind of boring when reading off a teleprompter. That, and I understood like 3 words from the president of Ubi. I really think E3 still needs to get back to the core gamer. These are the people who are tuning in to watch what they have to show, not tweens and girls under 10. And what was up with all those casual "girl" games? I know quite a few female gamers who would've been up in arms about that and would probably wipe the floor with half those corporate types in Ubi's own action/shooter games. After this I don't think I can be bothered to tune into Nintendo's conference. Maybe Sony, but as I don't own a PS3 it's a long shot. I was kind of hoping MS would pull something out their butts for us PC gamers, but that hope got dashed....again. Oh well, at least it is confirmed that Splinter Cell: Conviction will be on PC as well as Xbox and not just Xbox. That and AC2 looked pretty sick.
By TH4T6UY at 2:04 AM ON 06/02/09
Hehe, or how about they let Joel McHale ramble on. I like Joel on The Soup, but, well, he's kind of boring when reading off a teleprompter. That, and I understood like 3 words from the president of Ubi. I really think E3 still needs to get back to the core gamer. These are the people who are tuning in to watch what they have to show, not tweens and girls under 10. And what was up with all those casual "girl" games? I know quite a few female gamers who would've been up in arms about that and would probably wipe the floor with half those corporate types in Ubi's own action/shooter games. After this I don't think I can be bothered to tune into Nintendo's conference. Maybe Sony, but as I don't own a PS3 it's a long shot. I was kind of hoping MS would pull something out their butts for us PC gamers, but that hope got dashed....again. Oh well, at least it is confirmed that Splinter Cell: Conviction will be on PC as well as Xbox and not just Xbox. That and AC2 looked pretty sick (I know it was a pre-render, but that environment is going to be fun to run around in, plus, launching the blades is pretty cool).
By Brad Grenz at 4:13 AM ON 06/02/09
I thought Joel did alright, but there was a definite English as a second language problem with the copy he was being forced to read.
By Leeks! at 5:28 AM ON 06/02/09
In Indy's defense, there was a huge, sprawling fight scene planned with that sword spinning dude, but Harrison Ford was deathly sick with dysentery, so he suggested the change in the script. No joke.
By AndrewM at 10:21 AM ON 06/02/09
The giant Iphone table exists, and is possibly even available for purchase: http://www.microsoft.com/surface/
We're living in the future!
(It might not be the same thing but your description makes it sound exactly like Microsoft Surface.)
By AppSteve at 11:19 AM ON 06/02/09
Thanks for the run down I changed the channel during James Cameron's boring lecture. Seriously my Chemistry professor is more entertaining.
I guess you could say it was a "Titanic" failure.
Huh...Huh? Yeah it was a bad joke but it was still better the Ubisoft's press conference.
By Theocrat at 12:50 PM ON 06/02/09
Hi all -
I DVR'd the Ubisoft presentation. I've just watched it. Yves just droned, I'm sure that's because he's French and English isn't his language. Shoulda had Joel keep talking and just speak for him, I mean, they paid enough to have him out there for less than five minutes, what would have been another 15-25 for the French speakers.
Next, James Cameron is awesome, Terminator and even Titanic. I read the Terminator Salvation Comic Prequel, the Movie Novelization Prequel (Lost Ashes) as well as the Movie Novelization. I'm reading Transformers Movie Prequel (The Veiled Threat). But with Avatar I'll have to play the background role playing game just to get a basic understanding of the Prequel Comic Book and Prequel Novelization before playing the Prequel game based off the movie to understand the background of the Movie. This movie sounds awesome - graphically and maybe even morally - but will anybody understand it? Yes, Titanic only made $25million its first week (or was it less) and then went on to rake in a Bazillion, but does that mean that his next movie must be so convoluted that even Lucas would think that his new concept is more outrageous than all of Star Wars?
Or is that JC's goal?
Be Well. Be Well Understood.
Theocrat Issak
By kickn67 at 1:08 PM ON 06/02/09
If every one from their presentation said Yoo-bi-soft, maybe that's how you say it.
By Ginger Yellow at 4:28 PM ON 06/02/09
That's how you pronounce "u" in Yooropean. Well, French and British English, anyway. And Ubisoft are French.
By Tom Chick at 7:05 PM ON 06/02/09
Thanks for the explanation, Miss Yellow. However, if they're going to use a French name for their company in America, they should at least translate the name to an American word. I tried to use Babelfish to look up what Ubisoft means, but it wouldn't tell me.
By Hair Vengeance at 9:30 PM ON 06/02/09
In Ubisoft's defense, that Splinter Cell demo is pretty stunning. I love how Ubisoft is willing to aggressively experiment within their big-name franchises (e.g. Prince of Persia).
Also, who's going to tell James freaking Cameron to pipe down?
By Brad Grenz at 10:04 PM ON 06/02/09
Oh, yeah. It turns out RUSE is going to be released for MS Surface.
By Atlantis at 12:31 PM ON 06/04/09
I really don't know what's your problem. The show ubisoft made was awesome. Best press conference this year.
Atlantis:
I really don't know what's your problem. The show ubisoft made was awesome. Best press conference this year....More »