I can't deny I was excited. I really liked Grand Theft Auto IV, particularly for the excellent setting. And even if the subject matter didn't seem interesting - A biker gang? Really, Rockstar? -- I was glad for an opportunity to get back to Liberty City. So, like many of you, I parked on Xbox Live late Monday night and waited. As soon as the Lost and Damned add-on went live, I forked over my twenty bucks and commenced downloading the gig and a half. And when it was done, I eagerly jumped in.

Within two hours, I had shut down the game in disgust. I have no intention of starting it back up.

After the jump, find out why I won't be playing Lost and Damned.

It's not the combat. Even though I really came to like the combat in Grand Theft Auto IV, I have to wonder at the wisdom of being tossed into a massive gunfight in an open area with only a sawed-off shotgun. I suppose I could call whichever buddy I'm supposed to call to get one of the other guns, but is this really how Rockstar wants to start the action? Me peppered by the pistol fire of twenty other bikers from all angles while I have to get toe-to-toe with my sawed-off shotgun?

It's not my gang shuffling around, either. I understand this is a biker gang, so there's going to be a lot of friendly NPCs running around, as willy nilly as a squad of Fallout 3 companions. My biker buddies all have some sort of battle-hardening gauge that I presume adds an RPG element. But was I supposed to care when one of them was killed and replaced by another random biker?

It's not even the clumsy formation riding. I have no idea what Rockstar wants me to do here. While I listen to the in-transit biker banter, sometimes a giant badge is superimposed on the road. If I drive into the badge I get...what? That's not clear. Money? Reputation? Biker bling? Mad props, yo? The satisfaction of knowing I can drive inside a badge?

It's not the man dates and the biker clubhouse minigames like arm wrestling or hi-lo. Someone named Jim already pestered me to hang out within five minutes of us having been introduced. Not that I remember which one he was. I didn't mind these man dates, or even the chick dates, in Grand Theft Auto IV, because I learned to game them (always accept invites, and then simply call back and cancel).

It's not even being dumped into an opening car chase that requires shooting. Actually, it's not a car chase. I should be so lucky. It's a motorcycle on motorcycle chase, and the enemy motorcycles quickly pull ahead, receding into the distance so I have to shoot my sawed-off shotgun (!) at tiny dots weaving in and out of traffic. As if the shooting-while-driving interface wasn't bad enough already.

(I can't tell you how hard it is to resist the temptation to bring up Saints Row 2 as a model for how many of these things should be done. And the reason I can't tell you how hard it is to resist the temptation is because I have just failed.)

No, none of the above disappointments is the reason I won't be playing Lost and Damned. I can weather those things. I put up with many of them - and far worse - in Grand Theft Auto IV, a game I've played for damn near a hundred hours, most of them content, and some of them downright joyous.

The reason I won't be playing Lost and Damned is because after a couple of hours with these characters, I have no desire to spend another moment with them. These are unlikable thugs doing reprehensible things. Bikers, who are traditionally the bad guys, are presented with all the usual stereotypes that make them bad guys. They're brutal, vulgar, and cowardly. I can't tell one from the other. The one who I think is supposed to be me is as typical a bald space marine as you'll ever see.

There is zero effort to make me care about any of the characters. There is none of the affection that was immediately apparent for Little Jacob, Roman Bellic, or even Brucie. Say what you will about GTA4's inconsistent storyline - and I've said plenty - but at least Niko was an immediately sympathetic and complex character. I suspect Rockstar doesn't care all the way to the bank, but they lost a valuable asset when they wrote off voice-actor Michael Hollick, who created the voice of Niko Bellic.

I'm guessing the lead character in Lost and Damned eventually grows a conscience and splits with the leader of the pack, but I'm not really interested in sticking around for whatever contrived plot point Rockstar will cram into the story to bring about that particular twist. I'm pretty sure it's going to involve a stripper. Heck, maybe Rockstar isn't even going to have a twist. Maybe they're utterly oblivious to how grating and interchangeable these bikers are.

Then there are the typical Rockstar issues with women and homosexuality, now extended to Jews and addicts. The first female character is a stripper. The second and third female characters are a stripper and a skanky hanger-on. There's a balding lawyer who's taunted for being gay and then drugged. The Jewish main character is called a "heeb". There is open contempt for drug rehab and 12-step programs. If any of this is going anywhere, I wouldn't know, because Rockstar officially lost me somewhere around the ninety minute mark.

I'm not asking for choir boys or political correctness. On the contrary, I love a little real world grit with my M-rated games. I love ambiguous characters. But you have to earn it, Rockstar. If you just dump it into my lap at the very beginning of the game and expect me to sit still for it, I'm probably going to stand up and walk away. For something morally reprehensible, thrill me like God of War, fascinate me like Killer 7, or hide it among solid gameplay like Saints Row 2. Or better yet, let me make my own choice and live with the consequences, something you were clearly tempted to do in Grand Theft Auto IV, but couldn't quite manage. Because I'm capable of handling virtual atrocities of my own doing. Just ask the citizens of Megaton. Well, you can't because I vaporized them. But the important difference is that I did it myself. Bethesda didn't do it for me and then expect me to watch and cheer.

What's more, I'd like to remind Rockstar that with great commercial success comes great responsibility. It would be nice to see a modicum of social conscientiousness in what is arguably the face of videogaming presented to the world at large. So I end with this short note:

Dear World at Large,

Please don't judge us by the clumsily offensive middle finger waved around indiscriminately by the guys at Rockstar.

Love,

Tom Chick