Everyone calm down for a second. Just calm down and listen. As you know, the USS Activision has collided with the HMS Vivendi. Tough break, but we're making arrangements to transfer several passengers to the more viable Activision. If I call your name, please line up over here between World of Warcraft and Guitar Hero. Be careful not to step on Spider-Man or Tony Hawk.

Ice Age. You're, what?, a squirrel and a woolly mammoth, right? Make room, everyone. Spyro the Dragon. Crash Bandicoot the, well, whatever you are. A weasel? A bear? Oh, you're a bandicoot? A bandicoot is an actual thing, huh? I thought that was, like, your name. Prototype.

Okay, everyone quiet down! Yelling and screaming isn't going to accomplish anything. Prototype is coming over because everyone liked that earlier Hulk game. Yeah, those are the Prototype people. We have confidence in the basic design, and it's our best shot at a piece of the Grand Theft Auto open-world pie. So get over here, Prototype.

For everyone else, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that most of you are going to have to go down with the HMS Vivendi. I'm sorry, but there simply isn't room over here for all of you. But the good news is that we have room for one more. Just one. So one lucky game will come on over to join us. Now I'm not going to say who it is just yet. But if you'll line up, I'll briefly assess your chances before leaving you to wallow in uncertainty and misery for a few days.

Chronicles of Riddick. Hmm, Vin Deisel and the creators of The Darkness. You have "yesterday" written all over you, buddy.

50 Cent. Uh, we don't really do the young urban niche. Which is both a mark for you and against you, so cheer up.

Leisure Suit Larry. I'm sorry, who are you? I'm not familiar. Look, just because you knew my dad…

World at Conflict. C'mon, you're an RTS. No one plays those anymore. Maybe we can talk after Starcraft II has shipped.

Brutal Legend. Sorry, we already have a rock game called Guitar Hero. You say you're an adventure game/platformer from the Psychonauts guys? That got great reviews, didn't it? How many copies did it sell again? I see. Don't call us, we'll call you.

Ghostbusters. So is there a new Ghostbusters movie coming out? No? A new TV series, maybe something animated? What about a comic book? Are any of the original Ghostbusters really hot these days? Let's see, a quick online search shows that, well, Bill Murray is getting some press for his nasty divorce. I don't know, we'll see. But between you and me, kiddo, we love an IP. I think you have the best chance. Don't tell the others I told you that.

Okay, that's all for now. Everyone back to work while the band plays on.

(Image from John Alexander's Ship of Fools.)