WiiFit's Balance Board ™ notices that I've gained 17.9 pounds since yesterday. After scolding me, it asks me to choose from a list of explanations for why I've gained so much weight. Among the choices isn't "Because Wii Fit might be a rogue AI".

Instead, I have to implicate myself with explanations like "Not exercising" or "Indigestion" (indigestion causes weight gain?). I figure if I'm going to confess to doing something to gain weight that I didn't actually gain, I might as well confess to something I'm guilty of. So I select "Late night snacking". The Balance Board ™ then reprimands me by explaining that food eaten after 9pm turns directly into fat.

Okay, Balance Board ™, so that's how it's going to be? You want to play hard ball? I've done about an hour of running over the past two days and I'm going to make sure I get Wii Fit Credit ™ for it. After hunting around for where I'm supposed to log in extracurricular activity, I finally find the Activity Log ™. Here I can choose from Light ™ , Medium ™ , or Heavy ™ activity. Light ™ activity includes "cooking" and "laundry". "Looking for the remote" didn't make the cut.

Running is under Heavy ™ activity, and I'm asked to enter the amount of time I spent, which will be credited double since it's Heavy ™. I enter my running time from yesterday. It's then applied to today's activity, which I have yet to do. Wait, how do I credit it to yesterday, because I also have to credit myself with running two days ago? It turns out I can't. Wii Fit only exists one day at a time. If you didn't tell it the exercise happened on the day it happens, it didn't happen. Wii Fit's stranglehold on history is profound and irrevocable.