Three years ago, Square Enix acquired Taito. Which meant they got a catalog of games including Space Invaders, uh, let's see…Bubble Bobble…Qix, I think. And about a hundred ancient arcade games no one cared about. The move seemed more a matter of ancestor worship than business sense. What was Square going to do, put a Space Invaders machine in the next Final Fantasy?

Well, this week, it became clear what they were going to do: make a couple of awesome $20 handheld games. No joke. Believe it or not, I'm about to get super enthused about a Space Invaders remake and an ancient precursor to Peggle. But not here. Someone might see us. Meet me after the jump.

Did anyone follow you? Good, because this is a little embarrassing for me: I am absolutely loving both Space Invaders Extreme for the PSP and Arkanoid DS. I say this as a guy who hates those $20 throwaway puzzle/arcade game shovelware packages, particularly the ones that evoke coin-op nostalgia. I'd rather listen to a MIDI orchestration of Christopher Cross' "Ride Like The Wind" than play some rote Galaga or Zaxxon remake. But these are not those.

I'll start with Arkanoid DS, because it doesn't make me as giddy as Space Invaders Extreme. If you don't know Arkanoid, think of it as a more proactive version of Peggle, where you use a paddle to bounce the ball back up into the destructible bits. And sometimes you get powerups for your paddle that make it, like, shooter lasers and stuff. Like Peggle, it's simple and addictive and full of "Did you see that?" moments.

I was skeptical about the stylus control at first, so I started out playing with the d-pad. But once I tried the stylus – "I better try this if I'm going to write a review," I grumbled – I was sold. Plus, I did a lot better. The stylus is a wonderfully analog way to move the paddle and it goes to show how the DS can do things other systems (i.e. the PSP) can't. With the vertical layout (the ball passes through the gap between the screens in real time!) and the stylus paddle control, this is now the definitive way to play Arkanoid and the best action puzzle time-waster since Meteos. It's even got unlockable cosmetic options to keep you playing just one more round: earn coins and spend them to completely reskin the game.

The really exciting one is Space Invaders Extreme, which owes more to pinball machines than Space Invaders. You can jump in and just press the fire button, but when you take a breather, be sure to check out the manual. There are fancy rules for combos, chains, sequences, powerups, bonus rounds, and fever mode, with indicators all over the screen to let you know how you're doing. Like a pinball machine, if you take the time to read up on what you're doing, it's all the more gratifying to chase a high score.

For a thirty-year-old (Space Invaders was born in 1978), it looks great. Square Enix has retained the basic look of the little 8-bit guys, but they've sexxied up the rest of the game with enough color and sound to send anyone into an epileptic seizure, but in a good way. In fact, there's so much sexy here, that you'll definitely want to play on the PSP instead of the DS. And you'll want to play with earphones. There's nearly as much musical grooviness here as there is in Lumines. In fact, you might say it's too groovy for a Space Invaders game. You might say it's too…extreme.

And that's kind of the point, actually. Square has taken the basic premise – little 8-bit aliens advancing on your vertically challenged spaceship – but turned it up to 11, colored it with neon and purple and bright red, laid out pinball machine replayability and challenges, and given it a seriously funky beat. I'm usually too square to write "seriously funky beat", but I'm going to make an exception for Space Invaders Extreme.

Finally, I must apologize. I wish I had known earlier how good these games were, because they officially elevate the week's wallet threat level to red.